So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
