i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
