she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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