We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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