In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
