The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
