Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
