Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
