if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
