If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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