I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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