She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
