thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
