my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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