Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
