Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
