Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
