I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
