hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
