I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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