Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
