The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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