Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
