maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk is a universal language darling
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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