Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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