You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
and she was petting her beer can
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
