Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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