just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
