his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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