I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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