Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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