**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
