You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery