so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
