I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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