Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
