i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
