I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
