I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
