When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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