Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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