When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
