Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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