Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
