if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
