We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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