oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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