at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
