I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
