No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
