2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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