walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
