4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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