I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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