I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
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That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
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The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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