Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He did a backflip because drugs
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
