I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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