Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
